Attachment is an intimate, powerful and enduring bond between two individuals. It is rooted in the mother-child relationship and has huge implications for our functioning in virtually every area of development.
Secure, or healthy, attachment is the foundation for future happiness, good mental health, respectful/caring relationships and overall wellbeing. Those with secure attachment are more likely to stay in school, find and maintain employment, not abuse substances, have solid friendships and form deep, lasting intimate relationships.
The importance of healthy attachment is without dispute, but how does the theory and practice of child discipline fit with this concept? It has been suggested by some that behavioural interventions are inconsistent with, and might even negatively impact, the development of secure attachment. This belief is likely based upon a mistaken belief that such techniques are punitive, controlling and emotionally distressing for the child and must, therefore, hurt the attachment relationship.
If, however, we view the goal of raising children to be that they become ethical, respectful individuals, capable of taking responsibility for their own behaviour, then attachment and discipline become essential partners in this process. Children must receive clear messages about their behaviour in order to learn to manage their own actions and, done properly, such guidance does not cause emotional distress. In fact, knowing that his/her attachment figures care enough to set and maintain limits actually builds trust and reduces anxiety. Furthermore, if our children act in inappropriate ways outside the home, they will elicit negative reactions from adults and rejection from peers. This, in turn, can lead to anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.
Managing a child’s behaviour is a small, but vitally important, part of the parent-child relationship. Demonstration of affection, doing activities together, talking and sharing tasks are just a few of the myriad other things that we do with our children. If, at the end of the day, we have treated them with love and respect, expected the same from them, corrected inappropriate behaviour, validated positive behaviour and created a safe, secure home environment, then we have paved the way for them to become healthy, responsible, well functioning adults.
That is our primary task, as parents.